Blog entries from: Reluctant Memsahib

the diary of wife, mother and failed domestic goddess in Africa

1 to 10 of 19

October 19 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sun Oct 19 2014, 06:26:20

The worst thing about loving a person with Depression is that you lose them when they're ill. Depression steals their voice, their vigour, their very essence. I have two mums. My well mum. My sick mum. That's how much her illness changes her; she morphs from brave to timid, chatty to silent, upbeat to downhearted, [...]

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October 18 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sat Oct 18 2014, 08:26:23

This is the first October that I have not had any of my children home. Ever. Through school they always enjoyed a fortnight's mid term break. Which I enjoyed more. For a long time we used to go to the beach then; October being the best time of year on the East African coast. Not [...]

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October 16 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Thu Oct 16 2014, 08:01:39

Today I feel angry. I stomp around on my walk and kick things and shout and scream at the dogs to keep up and stop racing off until I am nearly hoarse. I feel angry because I feel trapped. Because Ant is unhappy. Because I am so far away. Because none of this was our [...]

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October 13 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Mon Oct 13 2014, 10:54:19

  'Will I be eaten by a lion?' I ask the ranger on the gate.   He stops writing in his register, a big book daubed with dirty fingerprints, biro poised. 'Will I?' I persist, 'I've heard that three people have been eaten here recently'.   After a pause, he snorts, 'that's not true'.   [...]

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October 9 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Thu Oct 9 2014, 04:11:01

Sometimes I feel like a lozenge. As if marriage and motherhood swallowed me up and sucked me to something so slight I am almost invisible. We had a rare and impromptu dinner party last night. I worked feverishly all day trying to eke from the vegetable garden and the freezer the makings of supper time [...]

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October 8 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Wed Oct 8 2014, 04:08:53

Sometimes, when I feel very far away, I think about my paternal grandmother. And sometimes that helps. Sometimes. When I am feeling big hearted and brave. My dad's mother arrived on a ship in Kenya in 1920. My grandfather had arrived sixteen years earlier as a very young man, a boy. The story goes (as [...]

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October 4 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sat Oct 4 2014, 04:15:38

In my other life I might be living in London. It's a kind of sliding door scenario. I was engaged once. Before. So young. The proposal came not long after my dad died. So I was bruised. Lost. At sea. Looking for anchors. I'd only been in London for four months when the call came. [...]

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October 3 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Fri Oct 3 2014, 03:18:54

Lately I have begun to make lampshades. I have no idea what I will do with them all; they are bulky objects and quickly fill the airing cupboard. Find a market one day? A market a million miles away. On the metaphorical moon. I don't know why lampshades. Why glass before that? Because I needed [...]

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October 2 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Thu Oct 2 2014, 04:28:21

  This is Gippy. As in Gyp(s)y. Don't say the s. Like the Goose, (E)gyp(tian) Goose. And the Lake. Jipe. Spelt differently. Pronounced the same.  She is the newcomer. She likes to rest her glossy little black head on warm things: Pili's older, wiser, yellow one. Sometimes - in this vast sprawling lonely place - my [...]

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September 20 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sat Sep 20 2014, 04:26:32

  I herd the dogs out at dawn. The puppy tumbles down the verandah steps to pee on a lawn spiked with frost, like a punk's hairdo. The cat comes high stepping across cold grass, mewling in complaint at the chill. The dam breathes steam at the bottom of the valley.  The tea, close cropped [...]

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