Blog entries from: Reluctant Memsahib

the diary of wife, mother and failed domestic goddess in Africa

1 to 10 of 22

October 31 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Fri Oct 31 2014, 06:07:28

So here's the thing. Because you - I - call myself 'a writer' (because it sounds better, when I'm asked what I do, than saying 'erm ... ahhhhm ... err ... Well I'm sort of a stay at home mum (whose part time mothering habit leaves her in an empty nest for most of the [...]

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October 28 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Tue Oct 28 2014, 08:39:23

  The Selous Game Reserve is huge.   It hunkers low in Tanzania's belly, its southern boundaries almost touching Mozambique. It's big and hot and sprawls so that its spread is greater than whole countries; it's bigger than Switzerland. It's Africa unwieldy, a vast space of sky and scrub and water and wildlife - at [...]

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October 19 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sun Oct 19 2014, 06:26:20

The worst thing about loving a person with Depression is that you lose them when they're ill. Depression steals their voice, their vigour, their very essence. I have two mums. My well mum. My sick mum. That's how much her illness changes her; she morphs from brave to timid, chatty to silent, upbeat to downhearted, [...]

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October 18 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sat Oct 18 2014, 08:26:23

This is the first October that I have not had any of my children home. Ever. Through school they always enjoyed a fortnight's mid term break. Which I enjoyed more. For a long time we used to go to the beach then; October being the best time of year on the East African coast. Not [...]

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October 16 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Thu Oct 16 2014, 08:01:39

Today I feel angry. I stomp around on my walk and kick things and shout and scream at the dogs to keep up and stop racing off until I am nearly hoarse. I feel angry because I feel trapped. Because Ant is unhappy. Because I am so far away. Because none of this was our [...]

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October 13 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Mon Oct 13 2014, 10:54:19

  'Will I be eaten by a lion?' I ask the ranger on the gate.   He stops writing in his register, a big book daubed with dirty fingerprints, biro poised. 'Will I?' I persist, 'I've heard that three people have been eaten here recently'.   After a pause, he snorts, 'that's not true'.   [...]

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October 9 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Thu Oct 9 2014, 04:11:01

Sometimes I feel like a lozenge. As if marriage and motherhood swallowed me up and sucked me to something so slight I am almost invisible. We had a rare and impromptu dinner party last night. I worked feverishly all day trying to eke from the vegetable garden and the freezer the makings of supper time [...]

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October 8 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Wed Oct 8 2014, 04:08:53

Sometimes, when I feel very far away, I think about my paternal grandmother. And sometimes that helps. Sometimes. When I am feeling big hearted and brave. My dad's mother arrived on a ship in Kenya in 1920. My grandfather had arrived sixteen years earlier as a very young man, a boy. The story goes (as [...]

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October 6 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Mon Oct 6 2014, 09:43:35

Because of where I live, because of all the circumstances that surround this peculiar disjointed life of mine, because I am compelled to feel 'useful' despite not having a job, there being no children at home, because of all of that, I feel bound to propel myself through my day. I go from chore to [...]

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October 4 2014

From Reluctant Memsahib Sat Oct 4 2014, 04:15:38

In my other life I might be living in London. It's a kind of sliding door scenario. I was engaged once. Before. So young. The proposal came not long after my dad died. So I was bruised. Lost. At sea. Looking for anchors. I'd only been in London for four months when the call came. [...]

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