I feel a deep restlessness these days. Ambivalence. I do not know where I am going or why and sometimes when I am reading something off my computer I forget mid sentence and start doing something else. This has been happening more and more lately, leading me to wonder whether I am going senile already at 32. I say the age and it seems like a great many years to be on earth, 32, with no idea if I am doing it correctly--that "it" being, namely, living. Some days I think I have lost sight of something very important. I do not know what it is, but I walk around with this emptiness that wants to be filled.
Maybe it is God.
It has been so long since I have thought myself religious. I settled for spiritual years ago and stopped going to church, taking up meditation. But it comes and goes, like the forgotten lyrics to a favorite song. I am trying again, daily, this month. The first few days, the whole time I sat meditating I could not stop thinking over my to-do list. It isn't working, I thought, frustrated. I did not feel any closer to peace or Zen or understanding. That scared me. I wondered whether I had simply forgotten how to connect to something greater. Whether I have been "of the world" too long, lost in material oblivion.
But the past couple of days I have at least been able to go several minutes at a time in blissful nothingness, present to the silence, to the full-emptiness. And in it I feel alone. Like God is not watching. It is a difficult thing to sit with. I am conscious of having asked for certain signs and things that never came, of feeling silly for making those requests, and contenting myself with the knowledge that when the thing comes it will be in God's time. I am still waiting, but losing patience.
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